Voldie has Great Hair
by princess.of.sarcasm
Summary: Voldemort's plans always go wrong. Lets watch as he screws up his life yet agian. And agian. And agian. This is what really happens in the lair of the Dark Lord.
1. Chapter 1

**Another masterpeice. Check out my other fics!**

**Disclaimer: Rediculus! That's what you all are!**

**Chapter 1: Moldy feet and worty feet**

"Hey! Moldy shorts!!!" Voldemort wheeled around, his wand pointed at whoever had called him his most hated nickname.

"Severus!" He said angrily.

"I see you're trying to remove it then?" And He was in deed. But what was he removing? Good question. Let's ask him pause ok then... Voldemort was sitting at a desk, on leg propped on it. He had his foot pointed back at him in a akward way. In his right hand was one of those foot scrubber brush file things. He was attemping to file the crusty moldy fungus from the bottom of his earlier mentioned foot.

Voldemort tried to hide back his tears. "You would be too. But of course," He sneered. "It was your fault I got them in the first place! And now, I shall give you warts on your feet!" He pointed his wand at Snape, who squeeled upon feeling a difference on his feet, and who then ran from Voldemort's office.

**Ah, the princess of sarcasm has come out with another wonderful story! I hope you all enjoy. Read and Review!**


	2. Rats Cats and Dogs I mean wolfs

**Well now, here's to another chapter in my humorous story all about lord Moldy Short- i mean, Voldemort. If you happen to be reading my other fic, HPand the Last Love, I am updating that ASAIDH. As soon as i'm done here. YAY!!!**

**Disclaimer: sigh my witty remarks about not owning anything or being JKR are coming in short supply these days. **

**Chapter 2: Rats and cats and dogs... i mean... wolfs...**

Peter Petigrew waltzed (yes, literally, the dance) into the dinning hall. Voldemort had been nice and given him a seat next to the Lord himself. Across from him was... a cat? And next to the cat was... Frenrir Greyback. The dog man.

"Hey dawg!" Peter said as he flatteringly sat down in his chair.

Frenrir glared and growled at him. "What'd you call me?!" The cat meowed. The meow sounded much like a laugh.

"I said, 'Sup dawg?' Is that so bad?" Peter said. He flicked his grey, dead hair back in a manner that suggested he thought he was... sexy. THE BURNING OF EYES!!

Frenrir lunged across the table and began to devior said ratting un-sexy little fat man. Peter was also a lousy, cheating, lying, double-crossing, ugly, stupid, grey, short, phony, wimpy, scoundrally, and many more, but i can't think of more words!-man.

The cat smiled at Frenrir. It opened it's mouth and turned into... MCGONAGALL!!! "That will be enough Greyback. Voldemort will be very upset at you." And indeed, the dark Lord was not happy. He punished the wolf in a way that would make sure he'd never forget it. He had to file the mold from his Lord's feet for the next 300 years! Oh, and the small little thing of he was banned from biting children for 3 years but that's not important to this story.

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. The next one will be out soon enough. THANKS AND REVIEW!!!**

**Sarcastic.**


	3. And the plot comes

**Hey! Special thanks to my ONLY reviewer! You're awesome! Know, I do hope more people review, cause I think this story is fairly funny. Here's the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: NADDA!!! Zip, ziltch, ain't nothing of mine... 'cept the plot.**

**Chapter 3: And the plot comes.**

"You know what Voldie darling." McGonagall was stroking said persons bald head while she sat on his desk.

"Hm?" He mumbled. Voldemort was too busy trying to make a new evil plan, and this disturbance, however pleasent, was not welcome.

"You ought to steal Malfoy's hair." Voldemort looked up.

"Draco's hair?"

"Well, I ment his father's, but they're all the same right?"

Voldemort had an evil plan. Though it had nothing to do with Parry Otter. Or Hatter Porry. Or even that one kid... uh... Harry Potter. Yes, that little one with no life and nothing greatly concerning this story. No, this was a plan above all others, the greatest plan.

The evil laughter issueing from Voldemort's lair made the Death Eaters walking past cringe and run.

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**REVEIW PLEASE!!! I think it's funny. Ok, the next chapter will have the plot continuing. I hope to have at least two more reviews... please? pokes out bottom lip**


	4. The Evil Plan

**Chapter 4: The Evil Plan**

STEAL MALFOY'S HAIR

By: Lord Voldemort

Co-by: Minerva McGonagall

Step 1: Luirer both Malfoys into a secret room.

Step 2: Lock them in room.

Step 3: Makesure his Lord is in the room.

Step 4: Sit them in chairs.

Step 5: Sit Lord in his own, more comfortable chair.

Step 6: Beg them to tell the Lord their hairish secrets.

Step 7: Cut off a good... 6 inches of Malfoy Sr.'s hair and 4 inches of the little pesky one.

Step 8: Transfer hair onto his Lord's head.

Step 9: Prance around Snape because his hair will not be as great!


	5. What About the Plan?

**Chapter 5: What about the plan?**

"Voldie Poo?"

"Yes what Minerva? I'm very busy."

"It's about our...uh... plan."

"What about the plan?"

"A mouse just stool it off your desk and ran in it's hole."

"WHAT?!"


	6. A Slight Delay

**Well, Here's the next peice. The next few will be up shortly. Good day. 3 Enjoy my little minons. For I loveth you all!!!**

**Chapter 6: A slight delay**

Voldemort stood at a podium infront of his essembled Death Eaters. He cleared his throat causing several of the front row audience to cringe and gag.

"Well my little Death Eaters. We will have a short delay in the next evil plan as uh... a mouse has eaten it. That is all."

The Death Eaters glanced at each other. One very brave one in the back stood.

"Sir, um... your Lord, "He began in a terrified vioce.. It quickly changed. "Who would be so stupid as to let a mouse eat their plan? Come on! And your sapossed to be a 'dark lord'! HA!"

Voldemort rounded on him, his wand pointed deadly like at the DEA. "SILENCE!" He bellowed before he broke down in tears and ran from the room.

**Read, review. That is all.**


	7. THE PLAN IS BACK!

**Thanks to all my lovely reviewers. COOKIES TO YOU ALL!!!! **

**Chapter 7: The PLAN IS BACK!!!**

Voldemort sat in his lair crying. McGonagall stroked his still bald head.

"Why? Why me? Why does everything have to go wrong!" He wailed. He then grabbed McGonagall's robe and blew his nose on it. Then, he returned to bawling like a baby.

A mouse crawled up onto his desk, making McGonagall yelp and hid behind Voldemort.

"For goodness sake's woman! You can turn into a cat and your afraid of a mouse!?" Voldemort laughed.

"Yea yea. Cut the chit chat you evil stupidness." Voldemort shut up and his eyes teared up. The mouse had spoken! "Look, I am so tired of listening to you blubber around like a baby. So i'm offering you a deal."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "What sort of deal?"

"You announce me as the surpreme mouse ruler of evil, and I give you back your plan. It sounds fair to me."

Voldemort hesitated. "Very well."

The mouse dropped a paper onto the desk and scampered onto the ground. "Oh, and by the way. It's a very nice plan indeed."

"Oh, thank you. I thought it was rather ingenious."

"We must get together and discuss making plans. Oh, and for your new hair, I know this great hair dresser that could do wonders with it."

"Oh, really? Well you know-" And the rest we don't want to listen to.

If you review, I'll give you a bit of the parchement the plan was on. I stole it from Voldie when he wasn't looking and ripped it up. If you leave a wonderful review, i'll give you a peice with writing on it. Sell it on Ebay.

Voldie: HEY

POS: What?

Voldie: You stole my plan?!

POS: Absolutly not.

Voldie: Ok!

POS: mutters dummie.


	8. Declaring

**Chapter 8: Declaring**

Voldemort once agian stood in front of his assembled Death Eaters. He cleared his throat and managed to spit on a Death Eater in the back who was immitating the Lord crying. It was a very discussting thing indeed. If you ever get the unfortunality to get sipt on by a dark lord, you will find it particularly unenjoyable as they have the smell of rotting flesh and fish. Not to mention the spit always comes out as lugi kinda thing.

"And now my Death Eaters, I have an announcment. Two acctually. Or perhaps-"

"Just get on with it Voldy!" McGonagall hissed.

"Right! Listen up. Don't make me spit upon you agian!" The crowd froze. "Good. Now then, the next evil plan will take place once the Malfoy's get back from holiday. And the next is that this mouse-" He holds up the mouse we met in chapters 5 & 7. "Is the surpreme evil ruler of all mouses!"

"That's not the plural form of mouse..."

"Oh... I mean... Of all mices!"

"That ain't it either."

"Meeces?"

"Nope."

"Well who the hell cares anyway! He rules the rodents called Mus Muculus. Thank you, and that will be all." Voldemort left the stage to discuss more plans and hairdressers in private.

**Thanks reveiwers!! You are all awesome. READ AND REVEIW and be on the lookout for the next chapter. :D 3**

**E/POS**


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